Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
