Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
