i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize