also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
