I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
