I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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