She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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