I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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