I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
