Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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