can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
