he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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