My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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