you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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