so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
