Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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