I hate your face
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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