you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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