meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
