I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
