I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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