Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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