Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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