I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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