Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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