Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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