turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
