I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize