Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
