So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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