Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
