she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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