but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
