I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
