those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
