Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
