I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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