It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
