Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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