Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
