phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
