I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
