i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
