Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
