My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i think my cat just said my name.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
