I cannot find my penis.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
