i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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