the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize