A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
