a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize