Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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