Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
