Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
