I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
