I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
