He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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